I've been with this girl, and yes, I mean we've been dating, for more than two years. She's my best friend. Her name is Mercedes. Our friendship has been going on for over 7 1/2 years.
I met her when I was 6, but then she moved away. It really didn't bother me, 'cause back then, she sort of didn't like me.
Then when I started middle school, and that changed. She came back to school 2 weeks late, 'cause she just moved back from the Philippines. She's half Filipino, half white.
Well, you know how people say they believe in "love at first sight", well, I never really did, and I still don't believe it.
But, I thought I did with her. I know, I was really, really young, but I don't know. I just felt something at the pit of my stomach that she was "the one". Ridiculous, right? Yupp.
Well, I began my "crush" on her at the very first moment I laid my eyes on her. She was different, but I later saw she became friends with "normal" acting people. Yup, using those "terms", but everyone is judgmentally at some point of their lives right?
And me being the creep, I sort of over heard things that her and her friends would say sometimes. And sometimes things that she said, her friends would stare at her like "what the fuck is wrong with you weirdo?"
I kind of felt bad for her, for having such horrible friends, but she stayed with them.
I never really talked to her, not one word.
Later in the year, in science, the only class I had with her. We got put into the same group for a project. I was so excited 'cause I was thinking "yay! I get to finally talk to her", but back then I never really talked. People scared me, well they still do actually. So I was really freaking out about this whole group thing. Even in group, I maybe said four words to her.
See, back then in 6th grade I had one friend. Still that friend, I felt that she didn't even like me.
So, I kept thinking "how do I expect this chick to like me?"
So for awhile, we still didn't talk.
So, one day during lunch, my one friend told me that she was going to let some new friends join us during lunch. I was seriously freaking out when I saw who those friends were. To my horrible demise, it was Mercedes and her friends.
Some how, my friend and the other girls left. So that left Mercedes and I alone. I didn't speak, I just stared down at my laps, and fiddle with my fingers.
I looked up, and she was staring at me. At this point I seriously felt like crying from being afraid I might have a anxiety attack in front of my crush.
I stared at her binder, she had Pokemon stickers. Stupid me freaking out, the best thing I can think of to say was "so, you like Pokemon?" Idiot! >__>
Well anyway, we talked a bit, then I asked if we can sit together from now on, she agreed. Later on into our friendship, maybe a few months, one of her friends started noticing my friendship with her "best friend". She didn't like it, not one bit. So, she kept trying to take Mercedes away from me during lunch, I didn't really do anything about it. If I did do something about it, that would mean I would have to talk to that girl about how "Mercedes and I are just hanging around each other more, no need to be "claiming her". But of course, I didn't say anything, 'cause talking to people freaked me out.
Mercedes never left me for that other girl. So, I would think "did I win?" but then I would bring myself down and say "no, she's just too nice to just tell me to fuck off". I literally had no self confidence in middle school.
So, we've been best friends since then.
We had sleep overs at my place, we did things that we liked together. Everything.
One day, she tells me "my family and I are ganna do to Disney world" and Disney world, was no where near us. Everyone knows Disney world is in Florida. But at the time I was thinking about Disney land, you know, the one in California? So I was chill about it. Then she told me that she'll be gone for over a month, to Florida. Back then, I really had bad separation issues with her, 'cause I really did care about her, and she was the only one that made me happy. I ended up being really pathetic, and making a huge scene about it. The night before she left, she spent the night at my house. We didn't really end up sleeping, we just talked. More like me crying, (but not like histarical crying, but sort of just tearing up a lot) and trying to make her feel like crap, so she would just tell me "fine, I'll stay". But it never happened. The day she left, before she left the city, I told her "I love you", but of course to her, she thought I meant as a friend, but I meant it for so much more. She told me it back, and then promised to call me as much as she could. She mentioned that, 'cause she didn't have a phone, neither did her family. She did call me a few times, and told me she missed me, but I never believed her. 'Cause I never believed anyone would really "miss" me.
And then we entered high school.
She later began realizing things about me that I would think that she would have picked up about me years ago. But in middle school, even if we were "best friends" she still didn't pay any attention to any little things.
One day, I just got to a state that I just wanted to give up, again. (I've had suicidal thoughts a lot when I was younger.) And I told Mercedes out of random one day, "there are three things I wanna do before I die". I told her. "First, I wanna move to Canada, second, I wanna kill a person, then well, my third, I'm not even ready to say out loud".
Me not saying what the third thing was really bothered her. So, I told her "Our next sleep over, I'll tell you". And of course, that very weekend, she BEGGED to sleep over. It was around one in the morning, and Mercedes turned to me while we both were laying around in bed. And she told me to finally tell her what the third thing was. Well, it was really hard for me to say, it took me a good ten minutes to actually say it. And well it was "I love you". Mercedes didn't say much, nothing really, she just stared at me. She faced me like I was crazy, like if I have just lost my mind.
"Well?" I said. She said, "I had a feeling you were ganna tell me that actually.." I responded by asking how she felt about it, and she just told me "I don't know". So, I just told her that we should just go to sleep. So, we shared the same bed as always when she sleeps over, and I started crying. About an hour later, Mercedes finally noticed, and told me "whats wrong?" Well, for about an hour, I kept trying to get an answer out of her, and it wasn't until a month later that I finally got an answer. So, I guess, her and I started "dating". Get this, we were "best friends" for years before we started dating, and I NEVER spent the night at her house, cause she never invited me. But once we started dating she finally started acting like she "cared" about me, she even finally invited me to spend the night at her house. To that day, when we started dating, I knew things weren't ganna turn out well. All of a sudden she "cares"? Bullshit.
Let me tell you, the 10ish months of our relationship was hell. There were so, so, so, so many secrets that Mercy, my "best friend", was hiding from me. And also, I found out she cheated on me serveral times, in the beginning, but stupid me stayed with her. I stayed with her cause of a promise I made. And I never, ever break my promises, even if it means that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. Pretty stupid huh? Well, I'm just like that, always. EVERY SINGLE DAY, I WORRIED, and WORRIED, "am I going to get more news about bullshit secrets again that's going to make me cry, and decrease my trust with her even more?" EVERYDAY, it was a guessing game. I was always worried, scared, and confused. She killed me emotionally.
Well, Mercedes, she was my weakness. I never broke up with her. Even if she lied, and never kept promises, I didn't wanna be like that, so I never broke my promise that, "I will never break up with you, the only way you'd get rid of me is if you break up with me, and tell me to 'fuck off'".
You have no idea how bad I wanted to be out of this relationship, but at the same time, I never wanted to leave her. I care for Mercedes way too much to leave her alone, I love her way too much to hurt her. I just want her happy. I just want her, okay.
Even my friends, and some family members knew how unhappy I was in that relationship. It just made me more depressed, it made my anxiety act up all the time, it made me want to take my own life a few times. I was in that relationship for two in a half years, but not anymore, cause she FINALLY broke up with me, and I am really, really, the happiest I've been in years. Yeah, of course I was upset the first few hours. But that was because I thought to myself "I've been killing myself for you, and you just dump me, and tell me 'I've never loved you', even when you promised and said we'd get married". I think I was mostly mad at myself for being so stupid. Soon, she'll be my room mate when she moves back to America, and if she changes her mind to get back with me, I will never agree. I am NOT making the same mistake over again. I even THANKED Mercedes when she broke up with me, it made my world come out of the dark. I love it. Even now, my friends, and family notice a change in my personality. I am finally genuinely happy, after so many years. :3
And the way she's acting right now, I was right about her from the very beginning. She never cared about me.
Why should I care for someone who never gave a fuck about me? But now, I feel like I can't believe any positive things that other people have told me. Now, I think, "Belinda, they're lying, don't listen". Thanks Mercedes.
Sorry, I felt like ranting about this, like sort of a closure thing? <3
Listening to: Stained glass eyes N colorful tears-PierceTheVeil
Reading: Love like a delinquent - Emma.
Playing: Luigi's Mansion: Dark moon. <3